A Common Voice

A Common Voice
3580 Pacific Ave
Tacoma, WA

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Articles 

 

Acceptance...How do we get there?

Children with emotional and behavioral disorders can often be hard to be around. There are many different phases parents go through as we try to cope and maintain a sense of normalcy. We may begin by doing too much for kids, just for the sake of keeping the peace in our homes. Then we may shift to doing nothing to change the situation, because quite frankly we may feel we’ve tried everything and nothing seems to change our child’s behavior. Then our focus often shifts to blaming and making excuses why our child is acting the way they do. Next, the search begins for the magic, the cure, the special program, or that one medication that will change our child. Gradually, we proceed further on the acceptance journey. We begin to gather information about the diagnosis and about what our child can and should be accountable for. Then we begin the grieving process. We grieve for the little child that we thought we had, the child we could have had, without a brain disorder. We grieve for the loss of things we thought our child was going to grow up and do and be. Our expectations begin to melt away and we’re not sure what to replace them with. So we educate ourselves and our families and we learn that we need to change our expectations to better match our child’s abilities and limitations. This leads us to better understanding which helps us move towards acceptance. Acceptance is a process. It’s an act of receiving our child “as is” with some sense of satisfaction. It’s loving your kid in spite of their disorders and difficulties. It is meeting our kids where they are at now; behavioral quirks and all.

Written by

Sherry Penn Lyons

2000 Courtesy of : A Common Voice

 

Compromise Or Negotiate

Parents often ask,” When do I let my child get their way?” and, “When do I stand firm on my instruction or decision?”

In my opinion, there are some things that are not up for negotiation; such as safety, inappropriateness, and unlawful actions or behaviors. On the other hand, things like bedtime, dating, and household chores and privileges ought to be negotiable. Compromise is a different skill. It requires both people to be willing to give up and to gain from the mutual settlement. It is a win win situation. Often-times parents are at odds with each other if one parent views a compromise as a negotiation and vice versa. This is true because negotiation is more of a barter and trade settlement. Sometimes our children are viewed as manipulative when they are in fact trying hard to negotiate. Parents need to discuss ahead of time with each other what is negotiable and what is nonnegotiable. This needs to be clearly defined to the family and no exceptions will be made. Other things that parents are willing to negotiate can then become compromises. This way a child learns the difference between compromises and negotiations. When this is put into practice consistently, a lot of battles will be eliminated. Those children who continue to try to negotiate probably have a future as a saleperson. Actually, these children have a gift of tenaciousness. This is a wonderful skill when put to achieving a goal. So clearly define in your family what is NON-negotiable and was IS negotiable and what you are willing to compromise on with your child. You may find your child is actually good at compromising when you viewed them as being manipulative. Understanding the differences between compromising and negotiating will improve communication and compliance in your family. By Sherry Lyons

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SELF-Affirmation Pledge

I am not defective.

I am different.

I will not sacrifice my

self-worth for peer acceptance.

I am capable of getting

along with society.

I will ask for help when I

i need it

I will be patient with

those who need time to understand me.

I will accept myself for

who I am.

 

 

 

 

Mental Health Websites

 

  • American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP):
    http://www.aacap.org
    A comprehensive site that is designed to serve both AACAP members, and parents and families. Information is provided as a public service to aid in the understanding and treatment of the developmental, behavioral, and mental disorders.
  • American Psychiatric Association (APA):
    http://www.psych.org
    National medical specialty society whose physician members specialize in the diagnosis and treatment of mental and emotional illnesses and substance use disorders.
  • Bazelon Center for Mental Health Law:
    http://www.bazelon.org
    A nonprofit legal advocacy organization for people with mental illness and mental retardation.
  • Federation of Families for Children's Mental Health (FFCMH):
    http://www.ffcmh.org
    A national parent-run non-profit organization focused on the needs of children and youth with emotional, behavioral or mental disorders and their families.
  • Knowledge Exchange Network (KEN):
    http://www.mentalhealth.org
    A national one-stop source of information and resources on prevention, treatment, and rehabilitation services for mental illness.
  • National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI):
    http://www.nami.org
    A national grassroots, self-help support and advocacy organization for individuals with severe mental illness.
  • National Mental Health Association (NMHA):
    http://www.nmha.org
    A national advocacy organization that is dedicated to addressing all aspects of mental health and mental illness.
  • The Commission on Mental and Physical Disability Law:
    http://www.abanet.org/disability
    Comprehensive source information on disability law. Excellent site for information on Supreme Court actions.
  • Empowering Parents http://empoweringparents.com  Empowering Parents is a website. It's also an email newsletter and it's also a blog. Regardless of which content you prefer, our goal is the same: We offer help with the toughest parenting questions, not generic, one-size-fits all articles that don’t apply to your situation. Our articles are for parents like you, and focus on techniques you can use right away.
    We regularly feature articles by James Lehman, MSW, creator of     The Total Transformation Program, and Dr. Bob Myers, creator of The Total Focus Program, specialists who know what it’s like to work with children who have O.D.D., ADHD, and other problems that make parenting a challenge. 

  • Child & Family Guidance Center http://www.cfgcpc.org/  has strengthened families since 1895. Our experienced counselors and staff are here to help you in your area of need. We are able to address issues including: abuse, divorce, anger management, depression, early childhood education and couples in trouble.

 

A Common Voice
3580 Pacific Ave
Tacoma, WA